The Trouble with Never
by Aderyn
Summary: Oneshot of a LFS Exile after Malachor. A bit of reminiscing, a bit of romance...


_And so it was done. Force, she was tired._ She'd finally defeated her demons at Malachor, but she felt no different than she had before. In fact, she almost felt worse. The bond with Kreia had been so real, so powerful. When Kreia had fallen, she'd felt as if part of her mind and heart had been stripped away.

As if she were nothing but a wound… 

And yet Tarin Zyrustine had not been able to shed a tear. It was over. She was free. No matter how much it had hurt, Tarin knew that she could now move on with her life. Sure, there were challenges ahead, but Revan would be at her side. She'd been imprisoned on Malachor and now… Now she was heading home to Carth. Tarin was happy for her. In fact, she was thrilled.

The Masters could never be happy again… 

Tarin shut her eyes. The memories would never go away. They might diminish over time, or so she hoped, but she'd always be haunted by the image of the Masters, collapsed in the remains of the Jedi Academy on Dantooine, shells of what they once were. Kreia standing over them, a look of triumph on her face… all before Tarin blacked out.

Tarin sighed. She shouldn't dwell on the past. Her future was full. The Jedi Order had to be rebuilt… by two who weren't really Jedi at all.

_Revan and Tarin sat side-by-side, leaning on one another for support. Kreia's body was only a few feet away. Revan had tears running down her pale cheeks, but she was smiling faintly. _

_They looked so strange, sitting there together. Revan was tiny; the size of a very young girl, and Tarin was tall. Revan's hair was a rich blue-black and Tarin's was platinum blonde. Revan's skin was a delicate ivory and Tarin's was a soft gold. Revan's robes were clean and straight, their colors black and green. Tarin wore simple brown and white, and her robes were filthy and torn…And yet they were the same… _

_Tarin glanced over at Revan. "Is it finally over?" she whispered, her voice harsh with exhaustion._

_Revan shook her head sadly. "It'll never be over." _

_Tarin sighed and nodded reluctantly. There was a pregnant pause and then-"Kreia mentioned something about the True Sith. Do you know what she meant?"_

"_The Sith are a disease. They spread through the galaxy, planet by planet, leaving nothing but destruction in their wake. You can cure a disease, but you can never destroy the source. The True Sith are those who hide in shadows, watching, but never stepping forth. They're the source. No matter how many Sith Lords we destroy, there will always be more waiting in the wings."_

"_Are you saying it's hopeless?" Tarin asked. She was almost afraid of Revan's reply._

_Revan did not answer immediately. She looked straight ahead, her green eyes glittering. "There's always hope," her voice was faint, but the joy behind it was unmistakable._

"_He's waiting for you, Revan." Tarin whispered softly._

_The grin that stretched across Revan's face was as bright as Tatooine's suns. "He's waiting for me…" Revan said, and the tears began to fall again. She turned to Tarin suddenly. "Do you know that today is the first day that I have ever cried?" _

_Tarin felt her own eyes burning with unshed tears but she refused to give in. She didn't know what to say. She squeezed Revan's shoulder in lieu of reply. _

_Revan did not seem to mind. "There's still so much to do," she muttered under her breath._

_Tarin nodded slowly. "What of the Jedi?" _

_Revan frowned slightly. "I will never be a Jedi again."_

"_Then I guess the Jedi are extinct."_

"_No. As long as the Sith exist, so shall the Jedi."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_I mean that even though I can never be a Jedi again, others can. The Order can be rebuilt."_

"_Not if there aren't any Jedi to rebuild it."_

"_Tarin… I may not be a Jedi- I don't think I ever truly was- but YOU are. They may have exiled you, they may have taken your lightsaber, you may have lost the Force, but you always have, and always will be a Jedi." Revan turned to her and smiled sadly. "If you'll agree, I'll help you rebuild the Jedi Order, but I can't so it on my own. I was never a tenth of the Jedi that you are. But at least you won't be alone."_

"_No. We'll never be alone again." Tarin turned and hugged Revan suddenly. "We'll never be alone again."_

_They clung together for a moment, each drawing strength from the other. Revan broke away first. "I think that there is someone on the _Hawk_ waiting for you."_

_They rose together, light and dark, still leaning on one another for support. As they descended the long steps, grasping each other's hand, a warm blue glow enveloped them. They stopped when they reached the Ebon Hawk and turned to one another once more._

_"This is where we must part ways. My ship's not far away." Revan said, waving her hand to the north._

_Tarin frowned. "Are you sure you won't ride with us? We have room for another."_

_"I think I want to be alone." Revan said._

_ "I'll see you on Telos?" Tarin said. Revan nodded and started to turn away. Tarin reached out and caught her arm. Revan turned back slowly. "May the Force be with you," Tarin said quietly, lowering her head. _

_Revan dropped her head as well. "And with you, my friend."_

Tarin made her way into the Ebon Hawk, limping badly without Revan's support. T3 met her, wearing an expression of almost human sadness.

"_Dwoooo_."

"Bao-Dur's remote? I'm sorry T3." Tarin reached out and patted the faithful little droid on the head. "I found her, T3. I found Revan."

The droid answered with a series of excited beeps and whistles. He raced away from her towards the cockpit, apparently planning to tell Hk-47.

Tarin slowly made her way towards Bao-Dur, her expression melancholy. He was seated on the floor near the upgrade bench, his face buried in his hands. Tarin did not speak. She knelt beside him and gently pressed her hand to his forehead. He looked up.

"Yes, General?" He said without delay.

Tarin nodded. "I- Kreia's gone. She refused to come back to the light."

Bao-Dur seemed unfazed. "G0T0 is gone as well."

"I don't think I'll miss him." Tarin replied honestly. "I heard about your remote, Bao. I'm sorry."

"At least there were no human casualties."

"Thank the Force."

"And- thank you, General." Bao-Dur closed his eyes, apparently finished with the conversation.

"I'm so sorry." Tarin whispered one last time, walking away.

Mira and Visas were sitting together in the cockpit. Tarin was a bit surprised not to find Atton there. "Where is he?" she asked, too quickly, for Mira and Visas both gave her tired but bemused smiles.

"Easy there, Exile. He's in the Medbay." Mira replied. "No, don't panic, he'll live."

"Are you well, my Master?" Visas asked her, her voice as calm as always.

"As well as can be expected, I suppose." Tarin replied.

"Mira- I saw Hanharr. I'm glad you're okay."

"But he's not." Mira grinned at her, and Tarin found herself smiling in return. "Just go, Tarin. You won't be fit to talk to until you've seen him."

"How did you-"

Mira cut her off. "As if you two aren't obvious. Now get out before I kick you out."

"One last thing, before you toss me out. Where's Mandalore?" Tarin asked. She hadn't seen him on her way and was surprised that he was missing.

"He heard you'd found Revan. He snuck off to stow away on her ship. They're probably long gone." Mira said a bit sarcastically. "Canderous always was a loyal beast." She mimicked in her best mysterious Kreia voice. "Leave," she commanded after several seconds.

Tarin sighed and shook her head. Mira would never change. She ran into Disciple next, standing in the corridor outside the Medbay.

"Master." He said quietly, lowering his head. He watched her in silence, his expression pained.

Tarin looked back at him. She'd never meant to hurt him. He was so young, so naive. Although he couldn't have been much more than three years her junior, she felt as if they were decades apart. He'd never seen war. He'd never felt true pain.

At first, he had intrigued her. His kindness had warmed her heart. He was such a gentleman, so sweet and considerate. He was handsome and he practically worshipped her.

But he was no Atton Rand.

_Oh Atton, why can't I hear you anymore? _

His presence was gone from her mind.

"I'm so sorry, Mical." Tarin whispered, reaching out to touch his face. He didn't pull away.

"It's alright. I always knew, really. I don't think he does, though. For such a conceited man, he is very unsure of himself where you are concerned." Mical shut his eyes and leaned his face into her hand.

Tarin brushed her thumb across his cheekbone. His eyes popped back open. 'Do you think-," she began, but he cut her off.

"He loves you very much, Tarin. He's just afraid. Go to him." The words sounded as if they had been torn from him. His eyes held such hurt, such pain, that Tarin had to turn away.

"I'm sorry," she whispered again. It seemed as if she owed everyone an apology.

Mical laughed harshly, his boyish face lined with stress and pain. "You have nothing to be sorry about." He walked away before she could, and she watched his back retreating down the hall, robes billowing.

Tarin walked into the Medbay, her heart thundering in her chest. _There is no emotion, there is peace._ Tarin shook her head at herself. _She wasn't a Jedi, either. She was in love. Jedi didn't fall in love._

He was there, on the cot, his eyes shut. He shirt was gone, bandages in its place. His heavy gray Jedi robes lay on a box right next to the bed and Tarin scooped them up and settled herself onto the box, leaning her back against the wall. She draped his robes across her lap in an effort to stay warm. She'd been so cold since Kreia…

Tarin felt the Ebon Hawk take off and idly wondered who was piloting. Probably Bao-Dur or Mira. It didn't matter. They would be in hyperspace soon.

Tarin pulled off her boots and dropped them on the floor nearby. She wiggled her toes, happy to be free of the cumbersome things. She kicked her feet up onto the mattress by Atton and settled his robes back over her legs.

He stirred slightly in his sleep and Tarin looked back over at him, taking in his handsome face. A stubborn lock of hair fell across his brow and she reached out and gently brushed it back, smiling to herself. He looked so peaceful, so innocent, in his sleep. It was an illusion, but it still warmed her heart.

There was a thin cut on his cheek that was not bandaged. Tarin held her hand over it and called upon the Force to heal it. It vanished instantly. That was, however, almost all of the energy she had. She collapsed back against the wall. Tarin watched his chest rise and fall beneath the plain white sheets that covered it. She rested one hand on his shoulder and let her mind drift…

_Tarin stood between them, Master Kavar and newly knighted Jedi Revan. Malak stood behind Revan, towering over her by well over a foot and a half. They both looked so determined. Kavar just looked sad._

_"Tarin." Kavar said urgently. She shut her eyes. She couldn't even look at him. He was breaking her heart._

_"Master-," she began, but stopped, unable to continue. Malak stepped closer to her and rested his hand lightly on her shoulder. It felt warm and comfortable. He was such a nice guy. His presence alone made her feel stronger somehow._

_Kavar inclined h is head slightly. "Tarin. I see you've come with- friends." His tone was borderline sarcastic. _

_Revan stepped forward but Malak dropped his hand from Tarin and grabbed her arm. "Easy, Rev." Revan stopped. _

_"We're taking recruits to join us against the Mandalorians." Revan said diplomatically. _

_Kavar looked down at the petite Jedi Knight before him. "I've heard."_

_"Master, I've decided to join them." Tarin said softly. "I can't stand idly by while the Mandalorians-"_

_He cut her off. "The Council has not approved this course of action. You must have patience. You're only a Padawan, Tarin."_

_"The Council's inaction serves no one! People are dying, Master! Innocent people!" Tarin's emotions were getting the better of her, she could feel it. She had always known that her unnatural relationship with the living force would be her downfall._

_It wasn't as if she were falling to the dark side. She was just doing what was right. Maybe the Council was willing to sit back and let the Mandalorians conquer the galaxy but Tarin thought that Revan had the right idea. The Mandalorians had to be stopped, no matter the cost. _

_"Listen to yourself, Tarin. Think! We can't risk openly joining the Republic in this war until we know what's out there." Kavar told her._

_"Maybe you can't, Master Kavar, but I can." Tarin's shoulders drooped and her eyes clouded. Malak gave her an encouraging smile and Revan simply nodded. It was time._

_"You can still join us, Master Kavar. Come with me. Help me save the Republic." Tarin's eyes were pleading. _

_Revan turned on him as well. "Master Kavar, you know that we're right. If the Jedi Order doesn't do something, the entire galaxy will be speaking Mandalorian within the year. We need your help."_

_Kavar didn't speak. He inclined his head once again and looked each of them in the eyes. He suddenly seemed much older than his thirty-five years. "I hope that you are making the right choice." _

"What are you thinking about?" Atton asked her softly, his eyes still closed.

"How long have you been awake?" Tarin replied, shaking herself out of her stupor.

"Ever since you came in."

"Are you in too much pain?"

"Are you avoiding answering my question?"

Tarin sighed. "Master Kavar."

"He was important to you, wasn't he?" Atton asked.

Tarin looked up quickly, trying to read his expression. "He was my master. We were close."

Atton frowned slightly and opened his eyes. "Everything hurts."

Tarin sat up, dropping her feet off of his bed. She laid her palm upon his forehead. "Would you like me to see what I can do to ease your pain?"

"Yeah. Bring me a shot of juma." He muttered.

Tarin sighed. "Alcohol isn't the answer to everything."

Atton shrugged. "It's worked pretty well for me so far."

Tarin closed her eyes and called upon the Force to do a bit more minor healing on his weakened body and ease some of his pain. Warmth and energy flowed from her hand into him and he relaxed instantly beneath her palm.

"Thanks." He murmured, shutting his eyes once again.

"Would you like to go back to sleep?"

"Not at the moment. I feel like I've been asleep for a very long time."

"Only a few hours, from what I understand."

"I take it the old witch is dead?"

"Yes. I had to take her life. She wouldn't… couldn't come back to the light." Tarin told him quietly. Her voice was pained.

Atton seemed indifferent. "It was no great loss. She was screwing with your head. And mine."

Tarin was quiet for a moment. It was true; she certainly couldn't deny that Kreia had been manipulating her from day one.

"How did you manage to kill her without that force-bond-thing killing you too?"

"Are you sure you want to know?" She asked. It might not be worth telling him. He seemed so distant now. Why had he shut her out of his mind?

"Tell me."

_Kreia stood over her, lightsaber flashing a brilliant red in the dim light. "You can't kill me, Exile. You'll kill yourself in the process." Kreia laughter was high pitched and false. She almost sounded as if she wished her words weren't true. As if she wanted to die._

_"That's a risk I have to take." Tarin growled, lunging off of the ground. They fought for the third time, throwing everything they had into the battle. It appeared as if Kreia had the upper hand but suddenly, Tarin understood._

_Kreia could defeat her because Kreia could still hear her thoughts. She could predict her every move. Kreia knew her, inside and out. So what wouldn't Kreia know? What would confuse Kreia and send her flying out of Tarin's head?_

_Tarin suddenly emptied her mind of all thought._ "What are you doing, Exile?" _Kreia's voice echoed inside her mind._

_Tarin looked into her eyes. "I'm shutting you out." An image of Atton leaning over a game of pazaak flashed into her mind. Kreia looked disgusted as Atton smiled and slammed a card onto the table. _"Ha! Twenty to your eighteen. Let's see you beat that!" _Atton's voice rang out._

_"He's a fool." Kreia hissed._

_Tarin smiled. "But he's my fool," she replied. And she began to play pazaak in her mind._

"If you flip the +3/-3 card, the total is 16."

_Kreia was utterly bewildered. Tarin quickly gained the upper hand. Finally, after at least ten minutes of violent swordplay, Tarin knocked Kreia to the ground. The Sith woman was barely alive. "This is your last chance, Kreia. Come back to the light. Anyone can be saved. All you have to do is ask."_

_"Never." Kreia spat. She leapt up one last time and Tarin drove her blade through Kreia's heart._

_The pain that slammed into Tarin's chest was practically unbearable. She fell to her knees, feeling her life begin to slip away. Instead of thinking of Kreia, her last thought was of Atton, and as she faded from consciousness, she could've sworn she heard his voice call out for her to hold on._

"I was here, with you… playing pazaak." Tarin whispered softly.

Atton's eyes snapped back open. He looked anguished, like a broken man. "I- you- can't mean that."

"You saved my life." She told him, leaning closer.

He tried to squirm back, real fear etched onto his face. "No, you saved yourself… I had nothing to-"

"A life for a life. You killed one Jedi… and saved another. You. Atton Rand. You saved my life." She was so close she could see the tick in his left eye. It was funny. She'd never seen him so frightened that his eyes were twitching.

Atton jerked back as if he had been slapped. He was honestly trying to crawl away from her. "No," he whispered. Tarin could hear his heart pounding in his chest.

"I love you." Tarin told him softly.

His eyes widened with shock and he fell against the pillow. "No," he whispered again.

"Oh yes. You'll never get rid of me now." Tarin said.

"Jedi… can't love. We're Jedi. It- you don't love me." His words were broken, his lips were trembling. "I'm a murderer."

"Not anymore. Now you're a savior. Mine." Tarin wrapped his hand in her own. He didn't pull away. He gripped her hand as if he were dying.

"It's gratitude. Just gratitude. My- my mind games worked for you… gratitude." He whispered.

Tarin couldn't take it anymore. She gently pressed her lips to his forehead. She moved down, planted a kiss on each cheek and one on his nose. Finally, she met his lips, but only briefly before she pulled away.

"Frack." He muttered.

Tarin smiled. "I love everything about you. Your smile, your laugh, your silly obsession with pazaak. I love the way you move, your voice, the walls you use to try to keep me out of your mind. I love the way your heart breaks every time you think about your past. I love your raunchy jokes and your goofy jacket. I love you, Atton Rand, with all my heart. I love you."

His eyes were glazed. She couldn't even tell if he was listening anymore. He wore an expression that was a mix of hope and fear. He opened his mouth, as if to speak, but shut it again just as quickly. It appeared he didn't know what to say.

"You already knew why I survived Kreia. You were there… telling me to hold on." Tarin whispered as the realization hit her. She'd been so blind! He'd probably been whispering pazaak in her mind as well during the battle, trying to help her confuse Kreia. "You were there."

Atton looked into her eyes and nodded slowly. It looked as if he might be giving up his fight against his feelings.

"Why did you shut me out of you mind afterwards? Why won't you let me back in?" Tarin asked him gently.

He looked down. His voice was soft. "I didn't want you to find out."

"Find out what?"

"I- I didn't want you to find out that I was in love with you."

Tarin was in his arms in a second, oblivious to his wounds, oblivious to their surroundings, completely and totally lost in Atton Rand.

His hands twined in her hair and her arms went around his neck. She was plastered against his chest, kissing the man she loved for all she was worth. She poured her heart and soul into the kiss and eventually, she felt him break down the barriers to his mind. His consciousness melded with hers. Two people became one.

They broke the kiss reluctantly. Each was breathing heavily. Their minds remained together as Atton sat up a bit and Tarin curled up against his chest. "Did I hurt you?" She asked with a small laugh. "I completely forgot you were injured."

"I can't feel a damned thing." He replied, wrapping his arms around her shoulders.

Tarin turned her head and smiled at him. He pressed a kiss onto her nose. "Say it again," she urged.

"I love you, Tarin Zyrustine," he said with conviction.

"I love you too," She replied.

"So, what do we do now?" He asked.

"I'll bet you can think of something," She replied mischievously.

"I mean about the galaxy. The Jedi. Revan. All of it." He said seriously.

Tarin smiled. "Revan and I want to rebuild the Jedi and start fixing the Republic."

"Hmmm. A noble goal. So, what do we do until then?" He asked her, giving her a wicked grin.

"I don't know. What do you think?" She asked, cupping his cheek in her palm.

"We could play pazaak…" he whispered.

"You're not injured that badly, flyboy."


End file.
